The "American way of life"
A "How-to-do-it" for beginners.
 
WARNING: Though this lifestyle is embraced by only a minority in the US it is largely favored by the ruling classes and heavily promoted for export abroad. Since adoption of it by a majority will very soon lead to deteriorating societies and destruction of a world already in peril, we strongly advice against it.
 
Sunday.
Wake up. Complain to wife about taxes, trade unions, welfare, foreigners, immigrants, government waste, democrats, pinkos, socialists, commies and taxes.
 
Wake up wife, kick her out of bed to make you a decent breakfast.
 
After eating, have daughter and wife shine your shoes and press your shirt while you take out 7 year old son for target practicing with your newly acquired assault gun. Make sure kid only is allowed to handle guns of less than calibre 0,38.
 
Complain to kids about the terrible burden of the 13% tax that you still have to fork out on your $2.000.000/year income after your clever financial manipulations.
 
Dress for church and be sure to carry only black revolvers as chrome is in bad taste for church.
 
Load all family in gas-guzzling SUV and drive the 276 yards to your local church. Be sure to park carelessly so at least to block one vehicle. Remember you are the one who matters and and if anyone doesn´t like it they can sod off.
 
Listen to sermon about lust and greed with stern face while alternatively figuring out if kicking 7 workers from your factory can save you a few net $ and fantazising about what you´d want to do to luscious Mrs Goforit a few seats to your left. Nod wisely to all profound tales from the bible and emit a few hallelujahs. Take note of the commies who don´t do likewise.
 
After sermon give at least $10 in the collection for the needy. (people who need new guns).
 
Leaving church and encountering blind, black beggar, don´t kick him in the ass as you´d normally do but feel christian benevolence and give him a stern five minute lesson to teach him that he should bloody well go out and work hard to earn his living the way you had to do. Do NOT mention that your daddy employed you in the capacity of managing director when you were 17 and you haven´t done an honest bit of work since. (just like before). Complain about your taxes.
 
Coming home, watch some intellectually stimulating stuff on TV like professional wrestling, or the latest docu-soap about some young women on a deserted island obviously done on a very small costume-budget. Don´t worry that the SOBs on the network managed to cram in a 30 second trailer for a 3 a.m. program about third world starvation between commercials. Just blame it on the corrupt unions.
 
Complain to wife about how your tax $ is wasted on lazy bums unwilling to work or stupid bitches who drive Cadillacs to collect their welfare while giving birth to more useless brats.
 
For dinner make sure wife only uses American products including genetically modified vegetables, hormone beef and be sure to drink CocaCola with everything as your dad always told you that "what´s good for CocaCola is good for America".
 
Write a letter to the editor of your daily protesting aginst influx of aliens in your neighbourhood that lowers the property values. Be sure to point out that some of your best friends are Mexican and Vietnamese but they should stay where they belong. Don´t mention ghettos!
 
Write a $500 check for a NRA spin campaign and don´t forget your $1000 country club fee due for payup in a few days.
 
Before you forget it you might as well send a $1000 check for the re-election fund of your local congressman at the same time thanking him for securing the Pentagon contract for 2.000.000 windshield wiper blades #2347-18 de luxe from your factory for the use on tanks. Assure him you are strongly in favour of a national missile defence system, but point out that it would save the tax-payers a lot of money if US would instead just nuke Russia, China, North Korea, Iraq and Iran out of existence as those commies will always be a threat to US. On closer thought include Belgium in the list as they must be communist since they have a company able to produce windshield wiper blades of higher quality than yours to a lower cost. Offer congressman free wiper blades for his Lincoln if he supports you in this.
 
Have the wife make you some martinis while you contemplate getting a new bigger SUV that will finally put a stop to the bragging from your neighbour with the Range Rover Super 5,6 V8.
 
When Mexican neighbour calls to complain that your SUV´s engine has been running since coming home from church and it´s fouling up the air for them and neighbour´s wife is asthmatic tell the SOB that it´s none of his business and does he want to take away your liberty or denounce the constitution. As an American it´s your f-ing right to do what you want. Don´t forget to complain about the terrible taxes you have to pay
 
In a good relaxed mood give lecture to your son and daughter on the theme "charity begins at home". When interrupted by a 11 year old caller at the front door who sells cookies for the benefit of orphaned children, tell the little brat that she should stop being a nuisance and in future should choose a father responsible enough to support her. Offer her a contraceptive for the good cause. End the charity-lecture before your voice shows the number of martinis you gulped down.
 
Since the sun is going down, you better turn on the heating a bit. To keep the temperature at a comfortable level let the air-conditioners run at the same time to balance. Remember to use also other appliances during the "heavy-load" hours for electricity. Remember you can deduct the costs on your tax return as the house is registrered as HQ of your business.
 
Forbid 16 year old daughter to go out with her friends wearing that skirt that hardly covers her behind. Explain to her about sins, the devil and how moral values and decent behaviour made this country great. Don´t mention the indians, Vietnam, Nixon or Clinton. Tell her about how your high taxes are unamerican.
 
Watch latest news on TV. Admire the skillful way the handlers act to make president Bush the 2nd stick to his written speech with only short uncomplicated words. Note that arabs and commies rightly are blamed for all the problems in the world and Dr Kissinger still manages to avoid indictment for his war crimes in Chile and Vietnam.
 
Explain to wife you are late for important business dinner and order her to go fill gas in the SUV and check the oil while you have a shower and down one martini for the road. Say goodnight to kids and bless them.
 
Meet your secretary (who looks a bit like luscious Mrs Goforit) at Whoopie-Inn motel and after drinks explain to her how the impending risk for lay-offs for female staff at your factory can be counteracted by her joining you in the motel room for some relaxed hours. When still reluctant offer her a salary increase up to minimum norm.
 
Explain later that your wife doesn´t understand you and usually you can do this without problems and ask her if she maybe has a younger sister who might also join, dressed as a nun. Complain about taxes and unions.
 
Go home, say your prayers and go to sleep dreaming of a Rolls Royce SUV with 24 windshield wipers and chauffeured by a 16 year old virgin with a skirt that hardly covers her behind.
 
Wake up and remember you forgot to clean your assault gun after target practice. Decide to do it now. Clean the gun and reload it. On way back to bed snatch a quick whisky, trip over bible carelessly left on floor and shoot yourself in the part of the head where those two braincells are hiding.
 
Wave Star Spangled Banner while dying.
 
Explain to the devil that some bloody union-member must have made a mistake and you´re due at a completely different place. When nothing helps complain to devil about your terribly high taxes.

-Bouffe
 
-McDo !

-Bouffe
 
-McDo !
-Burger King
-KFC