The Complete Military History of France
 
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.
 
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
 
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
 
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots(Catholic
France claims a win over Protestant France by offering the throne to
leading Huguenot Henry who says, "the throne of France is worth a
Mass." )
 
Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants started ignoring her.
 
War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
 
The Dutch War: Tied
 
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War:
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.
 
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
 
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."
 
French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
 
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
for a British footwear designer.
 
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
 
World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to
not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.
 
World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
 
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu
 
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians,
Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
 
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a
McDonald's.